Introduction: This is part of series I am entitling, “Stoking the Fire by Using the Rainbow Bridge.” The general idea is that the colors of the rainbow can be used like stepping stones which help people cross over from a lackluster life to living life fully alive.
Making it Rain
The Process of creating fire and water is actually pretty similar
The only difference is that instead of creating heat, as fire does, water cools things down.
A fire is created when you have two bonded pairs creating a spark of life together which releases water (Spirit) that has been contained and trapped. Once that water (Spirit) comes in contact with heat, it creates oxygen–the breath of life–which further fans the flames of desire.
Rain drops begin to form when wind spins dust particles into clusters causing them to meld together which then gives water vapor something to cling to. The weight then causes them to start falling from the sky where they collect more water on their travels down until the drop falls to its death, is absorbed back into the ground where it then gives whatever it falls upon an essential ingredient for it to continue to live life.
Pair Bonds and clusters: (noun) when a relationship (or relationships) are formed around a similar subject area.
Told another way, is that when human pair bonds (or clusters) form and connect, the ideal situation would be for those involved to communicate (with their breath of life) about the experiences they are having together. And since the only thing constant is change, all experiences will eventually run their course. This is where most pair-bonds (or clusters) experience crisis; they think their relationship is ending. Yet, if they can see the experience as simply having run its course, and keep their eyes and hearts open for the next opportunity they can have to share together, they might just find “new life” created within the relationship.
Challenge: How often do you communicate with the people in your life about what is still serving your relationship(s) and what is not? What should you let go of so that there is room for something new to come in?
What if someone doesn’t want to communicate?
One of the worst things pair bonds (clusters) can do is to stop the line of communication. Imagine a suage or ejector pump in a home that gets clogged or that stops working. What would happen? A mess! Relationships are no different! Strong, consistent, compassionate communication allows the emotions of all parties to flow freely, rather than creating pent up emotions that explode, leaving nothing but a big mess and hurt feelings behind. Therefore, when the lines of communicate stop, it’s time to consider how to fix the problem. Below are the top five tips on how to make that happen:
- Know your why: Do you want to talk in order to accuse and belittle the person you want to talk to or to figure out from their point of view why they may be displaying cold-shoulder behavior?
- Check Yourself: Before attempting to talk to someone else, check yourself. Are you calm or still angry? Will your tone be polite or accusatory? Is your posture open or closed? Tone and Body Language is 90% of communication. Also people tend to mirror the behavior and attitude of the other person they are interacting with. So if your tone is harsh and closed off, so too will theirs be. Yet if your tone is calm and caring, and your body language is open, even if the other person doesn’t start off that way, watch their tone and body language change to mimic yours. This is what psychologists refer to as co-regulation.
- Be ready to be open: Be ready to see the situation from another point of view rather than your own–theirs. All feelings are valid, whether or not you feel their perception of them is not. Sometimes it is easy to see things from another’s point of view, which may in turn, cause you to change yours. Other times it is difficult and you agree to disagree.
- Perform a little CPR:
- Concern- be ready to address the concern by using I statements: “I feel the need to talk about a situation where….”
- Pattern – Identify the pattern that seems to be preventing communication, “the last two times when I tried to talk about this situation, you said “I don’t know” or “I don’t want to talk about this.”
- Relationship – focus on a common purpose or vision that will move the relationship forward by also asking for their point of view, “I know talking about this can be tough, I don’t want it to be tough, but I want to address it so that our relationship can move forward. Why do you think this topic is so tough to talk about?”
- Make it Mutual: After having the conversation, see if you (and all parties involved) can come to a mutual agreement on how to best move forward.
If they still won’t talk: Give them time to RECOVER
R – Review the Goal: “My hope is that we can talk about this again later so that we can solve this problem and keep our relationship moving forward.
E – Extend the Space and Time: “I can see you need some space and time to think about this. I will give you…. (60 minutes, 24 hours – be specific) to think about this. I would like to meet you back (set location) at (set time) so we can talk about this again. Then,leave.
Note: The shortest amount of time I would recommend for reconnection is one hour. This is about how long it takes for brain chemicals to switch back from the irrational part of the brain (which is where thoughts can go when someone is “triggered”) back to the rational thinking part of their brain.
C – Consistent: Be consistent with communication as well as with following through on reconnecting back.
O – Overview: When you reconnect back, allow the person you are trying to communicate with to try to give an overview of what situation is not going well in the relationship. This will allow you to see if they heard you correctly as well as have you hear it from their point of view.
V – View (Preview) a Consequence: If the person still refuses to communicate during the second check back, preview a consequence, “I know this conversation is tough, but if we don’t talk about it I feel as though if it is not addressed we are going to continue to be angry with each other which will cause…(fill in the blank: anxiety, depression, loneliness, us to turn to others for support, if we can’t resolve this issue, perhaps we need time apart, etc.)
E – Encourage: After previewing the consequence follow it up with encouragement, “I would rather we talk about this and move forward so that we can feel (fill in the blank: happy, connected, etc.)
R – Review and Replay – If a conversation was able to be had, have each member involived review their understanding of what the problem was and how it will now be resolved moving forward. If a conversation was not had, review the consequence and encouragement and/or put the consequence in place.